Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
