this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
