halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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