you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
