So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
