Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
