I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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