I'm laying in your front yard are you home
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize