so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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