At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
