I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
