Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
