WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
