I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Couch. On fire.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
