So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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