Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
