You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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