My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
