He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
