Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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