Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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