Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
