I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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