I got chris browned last night
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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