he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
