She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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