sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The air was thick with penises
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
