Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Randomize
