i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize