Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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