apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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