how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
