The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
