she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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