there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
