Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Randomize
