Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
