I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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