Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
