Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
