i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
BRING THE BAGELS
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
