I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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