Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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