Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
