I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he puts the penis in happiness.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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