there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she peed on how many people?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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