They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
