He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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