I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
