and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sorry about my life...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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