How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize