i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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