mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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