If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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