We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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