We're facebook friends in real life
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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