I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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