She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
