I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
