The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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